Are You Better Than Last Year?

Setting New Year's resolutions is a popular past time, particularly here in the United States. And it makes sense. The idea of a fresh start, a new beginning is very seductive. It brings the promise of hope and of possibilities. Thoughtfully executed, resolutions can be a powerful force for change.

But if you're anything like me, your resolutions have crashed and burned before Groundhog Day, or even sooner. That is why this year I am going to do something different. And it starts with reflection, and single question.

Am I a better person now than I was a year ago?

That's it. No more, no less. If I can answer that question truthfully and then keep that answer in the forefront of my mind, I believe the rest will sort of just work itself out. Let me explain.

For example, am I a better husband now than I was a year ago? If the answer is 'No' then I can decide what can I do differently throughout the year that will enable me to answer 'Yes' next year. I can keep that thought in the forefront of my mind. And I guarantee it will change what I say and do. Maybe I will listen when I think I should be talking. Maybe I will look for opportunities to serve my wife. Maybe I will think more about her and less about myself. The possibilities are endless.

Here are some more questions I'll ask myself:

Am I a better father now than I was a year ago?
Am I a better brother now than I was a year ago?
Am I a better friend now than I was a year ago?
Am I a better employee now than I was a year ago?
Am I a better neighbor now than I was a year ago?
Am I a better artist now than I was a year ago?

Even writing out this list I had several ideas come into my mind. I want to slow down, listen more, expect less, expect more, work smarter, develop new skills, serve more, pray more, watch less TV, eat more vegetables, drink less soda, write more letters, reduce my clutter, give more compliments, smile more often.

None of these things are that difficult. In fact, most are fairly easy. It's not about working harder or enlarging my To-Do list, it is about presence and mindfulness. It's about dozens of miniscule acts adding up to big changes. So that next year when I ask myself if I am a better person now than I was a year ago, I will be able to answer with a resounding yes.

Fortune Friday: "Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time!"

Today's fortune could not be more timely, given that last night I re-watched an episode of the amazing series Sherlock on BBC, starring Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes, and Martin Freeman as Watson.

Holmes is without question the undisputed master investigator of all time. Even the word investigate, "carry out a systematic or formal inquiry to discover and examine the facts...so as to establish the truth" evokes myriad possibilities.

Investigate. Probe. Explore. Scrutinize. Analyze. Examine. Research. Dig.

So as to establish the truth. What are the facts of your current friendships? Truthfully, are they growing and deepening or are they stagnating in shallow wallows? Do you repeatedly find yourselves doing the same old activities, going to the same places, repeating the same stale stories?

Look around you, look at your current friends. How close are they really? Are you experiencing deep connections with the people around you, or are the majority of your friendships largely superficial and scattered—or perhaps not even real, but a collective of virtual followers and eager 'Likers'?

The new year is almost upon us. I love the coming of a new year because it brings with it, for me at least, the hope of new possibilities and new horizons. This year I want to take my relationships to a higher, deeper level. I want to investigate new possibilities, to explore new avenues. Unfortunately, this could necessitate letting go of or distancing myself from decent or okay friends in favor of inviting, building and creating great friends. But I feel inside it is the right direction. It will be worth it.

To your good fortune!

Happy Holidays!

I just want to say a great big 'thank you' to everyone kind enough to read my blog and still come back! It has been fun writing this blog and I have grown a lot personally and spiritually throughout this year.

I have had the chance to meet some amazing new people who have changed my life in profound ways. You know who you are, and I am grateful for knowing you. Our conversations together will stay with me forever.

I am also grateful for the wonderful people, friends, neighbors, and relatives in my life. You make me a better person and a better man. Your examples and influence improve my world and make me want to strive for better.

And finally, and most important, I wish to thank my family for their support and their love. With you at my side I can do anything.

NOTE: Today's image brought to you by one of my favorite fonts ever, Trade Gothic, and Pantone Color of the Year 2013: Emerald 17-5641. Yes, I am that design nerdy.

Fortune Friday: "Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams."

In many ways people are dumb animals. We may think we are deep and layered and complicated, but most of the time we are fairly simple. Most of our choices, according to Tony Robbins, are motivated by increasing pleasure or avoiding pain. Me, caveman. Want more good. Want less bad.

We can dress up any scenario as much as we like. We can add complicated context, interesting characters and settings, etc. But in the end, our decisions and actions will be based basically on more pleasure or less pain.

Been putting off a crucial conversation with your spouse? You're trying to avoid pain.

Buying that special someone a thoughtful gift? You're hoping for a pleasurable reward.

Showing up on time to work every day? You're hoping to keep your job and you enjoy getting paychecks.

There really are no absolute have-to's in this life. We may think there are, but there aren't. Everything is a choice. You say, "But what about my kids? I have to support them!"

No you don't. You don't have to. Not if you don't want to.

You could choose to abandon them and get the Scumbag Parent of the Year Award. And they could hate and resent you forever. And your neighbors and family might shun you. And word will get around that you are a dead beat jerk.

But you don't want to be hated and shunned and resented.

You love your children. They mean the world to you. You support them because their little smiling faces make you happy. And that pleasure is why you choose to support them.

But make no mistake, everything is a choice. Everything. Good, bad, or indifferent.

So what does any of this have to do with today's fortune? Simply, most people spend their lives, particularly their professional lives, trying to escape from what they hate instead of going after what they love. That's why we have vacations. To vacate. To escape. To get away long enough (hopefully) to get a reprieve from the doldrums and the misery and the soul-sucking void of cubicle life.

We're trying to avoid pain. We're being pushed by our problems.

Better to be led by our dreams. To purposefully increase our pleasure. To pick a goal or a project worthy of our best efforts and really go after it with gusto.

To your good fortune! 

Every Mirror Has Two Faces

When we look in a mirror we do not see reality—we see a reflection of what is real. The image on the glass is not the genuine article. These are the two faces: our own real face and the reflection of our face. Most of us generally accept this.

But there are a second set of faces, perhaps less obvious. And both are reflections. The first face is what we want to see. The second is what we dread seeing.

You know what I'm talking about, right? Some days I look in the mirror in my bathroom—usually while shaving or brushing my teeth—and I really like what I see. I smile at myself. And some days I look in that same mirror and all I can see are the things I hate about myself, both the external and, strangely, the internal as well.

These mirrors also show up metaphorically in our lives, usually disguised as our pet peeves and annoyances. And each has two faces, or polar extremes, too. What we want to see more of and what we want to see less of.

And these mirrors always have a message for us.

For example, one of my pet peeves is selfishness or selfish behavior in others. I get very irritated when innocent people get hurt, trampled, abused, or taken advantage of by people who seemingly are only concerned with themselves and what is going on in their own world. Yes, I understand that for the most part this describes most of us to some degree. I'm talking about those who knowingly act selfishly. Or worse still, those who are so clueless or living their life with tunnel-vision blinders on that they don't even know they are hurting others.

But this post is about mirrors, not selfish people.

So what is the message that my mirror is trying to tell me about selfishness? Remember, there are two faces. The first face might be validating me for being a person who tries to be aware and conscious of others and their feelings. That's good. That's what I want to see more of.

But there is a second message, the opposite extreme. Perhaps why I am bothered by selfishness is that deep down I wish I was more self-concerned, self-interested, self-motivated, self-caring, self-loving. More self-ish.

Learning to see and recognize the mirrors that show up in my life has been a great blessing. I learned this exercise from my coach. I have been consciously practicing it and am getting better at seeing it.

Give it a try. Look around you. Look at what you like and dislike. And then look for the two faces staring back at you.

You just might like what you see.

Fortune Friday: "You will bring sunshine into someone's life."

This week's fortune could not be more appropriate given the time of year. Let's be honest, the holidays can be a very stressful time for many people. There are pressures, sometimes imagined and sometimes self-inflicted, and lots to do. Homes to decorate, cards to send, events to attend, gifts to wrap. It can get a little overwhelming if we let it.

But amidst all the holiday busyness, we can slow down a little and focus our attention on those around us who could use our help and encouragement. Take a look around at the people in your life. Can you think of anyone who might benefit from a kind word, or a smile, or a hug? If you're like me, I bet you can think of lots of people.

So maybe takes some time this week—doesn't need to be long—and send a short note, either hand-written or emailed or a text. Let those people know you're thinking of them. Let them know they are important to you. Let them know you care, that you are there if they just need to talk.

We don't have to make huge, grand, or expensive gestures. Simple is often better.

Bringing sunshine into someone's life is a lot easier than we think.

To your good fortune!

Feeling Pissy Lately

Yes, you read the title correctly. For some reason, I've been feeling really pissy the last few days. Not overtly angry, just a low-grade, pervading irritation. I've been edgy. I've been getting bugged by people at the grocery store. I've been snippy with my kids and my wife. Your basic prickly pear.

It's not that I am feeling overly pessimistic or depressed or anything. It's been more of a mild "bleh" with life's ups and downs—a little black rain cloud in my head. My gut tells me it is probably a combination of recent bitter cold weather, impending holiday to-dos, over-scheduling, a career opportunity in limbo, and a current (but temporary) low checking account balance.

I decided to share this for two reasons. First, I want to make it abundantly clear that despite how it might appear from reading my blog, I do not have it all together. I do not have all the answers. I am by no means an expert, or a guru, or whatever. I'm just a man. I struggle with my own demons every day like everyone else.

Second, I can see the situation for what it is: I have been thinking crappy thoughts. Perhaps too many (which is another thought in itself). And crappy thoughts create crappy feelings. Because that is how the human system works. As Michael Neill often says, "We live in the feeling of our thinking."

We usually think it operates the other way around. We think outside influences cause us to feel bad or good. But in reality it is our thinking about those events that cause us to feel bad or good.

And the best part of it all is that, knowing the inside-out nature of our understanding, I know that it is only a matter of time before new thoughts will arrive and bring with them new feelings. I don't have to do anything or force myself to be positive or chant happy mantras or anything.

I can just be how I am for now. And wait.

Honestly, I feel a little less pissy even having just written this.

Fortune Friday: "Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news."

When dying people were asked what their great regrets in life were, their answers generally fell into five main areas:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Not surprising, the last one on the list was the most common. But we'll leave that one for another day or for a fortune that is more accommodating. For today's fortune, I am focusing on items 3 and 4 from the list.

Express your feelings and stay in touch.

Is something amazing or difficult or exciting or new or heart breaking going on in your life? Then share it. If the news is positive, share it. We want to know. The world is rife with negativity and woe. What we need are more stories of personal triumph.

If your news is less than positive, share it too. We want to know. But share it in a way that bonds us together, not in the tiresome, we've-heard-this-a-million-times-before, woe is me way. Instead, open up and bare your soul. Take a risk and peel away the false husk of perfectionism. Just be you—warts and all. Connect with us. What we need are more stories of personal triumph.

What we humans need more than anything is know we are not alone. We need to know that we are not forgotten. I bet right now someone you know has come into your mind. Maybe it is a good friend you haven't talked to in a while. Maybe it is a relative or sibling you don't get along with. Maybe it's a former coworker you have been thinking of partnering with on a new project.

Reach out. Get together if you can. Let them know you've been thinking about them and how important they are to you. Share your news. You won't regret it.

To your good fortune!

Intention vs. Action

I hear a lot of people, particularly in the self-help world, talk about intention. "It is my intention to create XYZ." Or, "I am setting my intention on the things I want." And attached to intention are its siblings attraction and manifest.

"I intend to attract a new relationship into my life."
"My intention is to manifest abundance."
"I want to align my intentions to..."

Or worse,

"My intention is to manifest attraction."

Now please don't misunderstand. I see innate value in all three of these mindsets. Setting an intention is important. It is the first baby step towards committed change. And manifesting and being receptive to attraction are important steps in expediting what we wish to create in our lives.

But the crucial key to unlocking the life of our dreams is action. Pure and simple.

The apostle James stated, "faith without works is dead." Intention without action is also dead. This quote, one of my favorites, from Werner Erhard sums up my thoughts perfectly:

"It is important that you get clear for yourself that your only access to impacting life is action. The world does not care what you intend, how committed you are, how you feel or what you think, and certainly it has interest in what you want and don't want. Take a look at life as it is lived and see for yourself that the world only moves for you when you act."

The world only moves for you when you act. When you move, the universe moves.

So get moving!